Origins of Smeowg
by Matsufubu
Summary: Before Smaug became Lord of Hordes and dethroned the King Under the Mountain, he was just another cat in the crowd, and went by a very different name, Smeowg.


Origins of Smaug

Smeow is the scourge of the skis, the lord of hordes, stabbing fear into the hearts of mortal men. Like literally stabbing. Like stabby stabby. WTF?

I have brought you all here to learn the history of Smeowg the terrible. Smeowg was born on a late October mourning, the 24 to be specific, and immediately flew into the sky. Although he was full cat at this time, he was flying. History has yet to reveal how he did this. He managed to grab some cloud up in the sky before landing at the beaches of Normandy, 1944. It was there he saw a whale too close to the land. The whale saw Smeowg and asked "by my mitten, dear kitten, where art thou smitten?" and Smeowg replied "I come from a far away land to the north of middle earth," and the whale was like "cool story, bro, but how doth thou have a hoe, I mean fly?" and Smeowg was like "There is no how, there only is" and the whale finally understood the concept of dreams, flying, and the purpose of existence that he suddenly flew away from the horrors of the Beaches of Normandy on D-day. He took to the skies and went to space, feeding on the energy of the sun. Smeowg was curious and went up to a soldier and was like "dafuq's going on?" and the soldier was like "were fighting some guy named Hitler, he's been killing a lot of people and shit and we need done stop him from cooking people" and Smeowg was like "terrorizing people is my job, motherfucker" and so Smeowg allied himself with the Americans. He asked for the soldiers name and he replied Captain Tom Hanks. Tom, in his strategic strategy told Smeowg that the Germans were pelting the ships from that bunker right dem dar over there. Smeowg was like 'oh'. And being all cute and cuddly he walked right over to the Germans without being shot at since the Germans were all like "Das wun van ike smine doich que" (what a cute cat). Which they yelled which scared like everybody. Smeowg simply walked behind them and while the Germans were petting the cat the Americans came in on a giant bald eagle and swooped the Germans with all their freedom. "Good job" said Tom Hanks to Smeowg and Smeowg was all like "hanks" and someone made a drum roll pun lol. The captured German's were all like "vat? Ve spent years in genetic engineering but ve never could make ze cat talk ya" and Smeowg was all like " I come from a faraway land" but Tom Hanks was interested in the genetic lab and he said "take us to the genetic engineering lab and I'll let you live" so the Germans took the American armys to their secret secret super secret lab in the middle of lands so secret the map couldn't even show where they were without being arrested. They got inside the secret secret lab and Tom Hanks saw that a bunch of genetic engineering stuff was there like three arm man people and animals that could know sign language and what-naught. The genetic engineering guy from South Park was there and welcomed everybody but then Tom Hanks shot him in his face and yelled "These experiments are unearthy, this facility should be gone so that ethics can be preserved" But one of the German prisoners was quick to anger and yelled "NOOOOOO! VE spent years on these designs and you can't take them away from the RIECH." With great strength of the Germanic peoples brought down through so many generations the German soldier grabbed the eagle and threw it across the room at Tom Hanks. Smeowg jumped in front of them and yelled "NOOOOOO", colliding with the eagle mid-flight and careening through the room and ran into and aquarium with a radioactive lizard in it. Glass flew everywhere and there was an explosion of WHOOAAAAA! When the crescendo ended Smeowg body lie limp on the floor. Tom Hanks bolted over to the body and did CPR on Smeowg, who coughed. "Smeowg, you did that for me?" he asked, the words dry on his mouth from the feels. "I would do anything for a friend." And Tom Hanks had so much happy in him that his general came over and promoted him so hard that he became an astronaut. Smeowg stood up and felt odd things on his body. He realized that his tail was now scaly, like a lizard's, and he had giant eagle wings on his back, which were very disproportional considering he is a newborn kitten. "Mmm, not bad!" said Sonic, and Tom Hanks was a like "shut up hedgehog, what do you know?" and Sonic was a like "You're too slow!" and ran off, but one of the three- armed people grabbed him and the animals that knew sign language tie-kwon-doed sonic to death. "Say, you guys aren't bad people" said Smeowg to the genetic engineered people, and they replied "no, but a lot of people judge us based on our looks, and we will never fit back into society again". The three armed people cried a mighty cry; they were obviously Norwegian descent. Smeowg was all like "Don't worry, back north people aren't racist since there are no differing races" and the three armed people were like "Let's go home" and Tom Hanks was all like "Wait we need to bomb this place" and a a-typical American soldier played by Neil Patrick Harris was like "we used all teh bombs to bomb out the German bunker!" and Tom Hanks was a like "WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?" and Neil Patrick Harris was all like "ye". Smeowg was like "don't' worry, my wings of freedom tell me government secrets. They say your people have finished testing a nuclear bomb and plan to use it on Germany!" And the reader was all like "wait the Americans bombed the Japanese not the Germans" and the writer was all like "they were actually planning on bombing the Germans first but Joseph quit Stalin and started Russian to take over the Richestag before we got the chance, also this is my story so STFU!" And Tom Hanks was all like "great how the fuck do we get back to America?" and the three armed people were all like "Don't worry, the lands to the east of us are developing rockets as we speak, if we can get two of them, you can ride on back to America and ride one back here to nuke this place" and Tom Hanks was all like "In Russia? k."

The sunset was beautiful as the party rode north on top of the sign language animals to Russia. The three armed people stopped in the homeland of Norwegia where they met their wives and gave them hugs. The wives like the third arm because it made the hugs filled with more love. Tom Hanks, the Americans and Smeowg took a break from the war and party hartyed with Norwegia. They all got durnk and wandered into the snow. Smeowg was into the snowy wilderness when he heard his name called out in the wind. "Hello?" he called, then the snow blowing glowed and the image of a giant Norwegian Skogkatten (cat) appeared in front of him. "Son" he called in a voice you wouldn't expect a cat to have. "whaaaaa" said Smeowg, but the image interrupted him. "Smeowg, you are a great example of cat kind, but I fear you path destines you away from cat kind into darker territory" and Smeowg was all like "bro, but I'm a cat" and the Norwegian cat was all like "don't be surprised if someone looks at you and doesn't see a cat. Smeowg! This is CNN. CNN. C. N. N." as the apparition disappeared into the snow just as he came. "But what?" questioned Smeowg before he fell into the snow from his collapsed lung.

The next mourning the snow reflected the sunlight so much that the sky lit on fire, also Smeowg woke up. The party set off still hungover. They approached Mother Russia, they knew this because they were at a security gate and a big Russian named Zack Franque was all like " Who wants to enter the motherland?" in an accent so thick that time slowed down. Smeowg was all like "ye" and the Russians were all like "Are you Russian" "Ye" Smeowg answered, although they obviously weren't." "Okay, only a Russian would be crazy enough to enter the motherland hungover" and so the party went into Russia. It wasn't too hard to find the rocket since all the signs told them exactly where to go (although it took them like 5 weeks to get there; Siberia is huge). They found a Russian engineer and Tom Hanks approached him. "Can this rocket fly?" asked Tom Hanks. "Da" replied the engineer, and simply pointed. They found that it wasn't a rocket at all, but a SPACESHIP! Everyone got spaceship turrets just from being it its presence. "Wait can you fly this?" asked Smeowg between compulsive spaceships, and Tom Hanks was all like "bitch I'm an astronaut." So the American soldiers, Tom hanks and Smeowg and the engineer climbed onto the SPACESHIP and blasted into space. As they passed through the sky their presence disrupted the sky fire and thus saved the world from global warming so all the hippies shut the fuck up. But the fire was enchanted from originating from Norwegia so all the people on the capsule got magical fire breathing powers, and Smeowg picked up an accent that sounded a lot like Benedict Cumberbatch. Whilst in space Smeowg looked outside and saw a whale against the blue of planet earth. The whale telepathically communicated with Smeowg "oh hey, haven't seen you in a bit" and Smeowg thought back "dude what's goin' on?" and the whale thought "You inspiration allowed me to sour to places evermore, also I can use the sun as a weapons. "Hey" Smeowg got an idea "you should use your sun powers to blow up a German genetic engineering plant so we can save the nuke to blow up the Richestag and kill Hitler and end this war." And the whale was all like "a favor for a favor" and focused heaven's wrath and brought about the deadly rays of the sol. The whale glowed yellow from his absorbed solar radiation and from his mouth erupted a big, purple beam that hurtled toward Europe, destroying the genetic engineering lab and the Berlin wall, and tore a hole in the great wall of China, while we're at it. Tom Hanks yelled "Huston, we have a problem" but the whale informed Tom hanks of the plan telepathically, so he calmed his shit down. They landed the ship in front of the pentagon and walked through the front gate. The CIA agent guarding the place let them into since Tom Hanks is a famous actor from the future. The Pentagon rooms and hallway were exactly as you would expect them to be, so I won't even bother explaining it. Robert McNamara approached them and was all like "What are you guys doing here?" and Tom Hanks was all like "we need the nuke to blow up Hitler" and McNamara was all like "how do you know that classified information?" and Smeowg informed him "I was infused with the wings of freedom so I know all your government secrets". "Well, then you probably should take the nuke, since you probably outrank me, we have two more anyway, we're bringing them to Japan. The nuke is stored in Manhattan, hence why it is called the Manhattan project." Tom Hanks used his money to rent a car to drive them to Manhattan, and Smeowg flew there, he was faster, so he stopped by a Starbucks and got a cat-ichino. They arrived in December 31, 1944 in times square, and it was crowded since everyone was waiting for the ball to drop. As they drove up, they realized McNamara didn't tell them where the nuke was in Manhattan. Smeowg looked up at the dropping ball and was like "the ball is the nuke". And Tom Hanks was all like "Smeowg, if you can distract the people me and my men can bring down the nuke." And Smeowg was all like "k". Smeowg walked into the street, but no one was distracted by him since no one was paying attention and kissing instead since the new year was happening and whatever. Smeowg wasn't use to coffee so his cappuccino made him burp and when he did he breathed fire which scared the people away. Tom Hanks was about to steal the ball from dropping when suddenly it was grabbed by another figure. "Who are you" Tom demanded. The figure simply replied "I need this to find Metal GEAR" in a horse voice. He then ran off, and Tom Hanks was like "damnit, let's get him." And so the party got into the car and chased the figure through New York, which was on fire due to Smeowg release of flammable gasses. All of the sudden a voice in Smeowg head was all like "Snake, we don't need that. Be careful, the city is on fire!" and Smeowg was a like "who is this?" and the voice said "oh, wrong number, sorry." It's k, bra." replied Smeowg. Moments later, they heard the figure yell from up ahead "I know this city's burning, Otacon, geez!" and a large clunk on the road. The drove to find the ball that New York dropped on New Year's Eve. Tom Hanks tapped it and the side spheres rolled off to reveal a nuclear bomb, written on the side was "bitch". Neil Patrick Harris lifted it with his great strength, and they drove back to the Pentagon and blasted off with their SPACESHIP. They flew over Germany and saw that the Richestag was being taken by the Russians. "Bestim a kiet" said the Russian engineer and jumped from the spaceship to join the fight of his people. "Well, it looks like the job was done for us." Said Tom Hanks. Smeowg looked and saw a figure running away from the battle. "What's that?" He questioned. Tom Hanks flew the spaceship over and saw Hitler running from the battle. Tom Hanks flew in front of Hitler and realized that Hitler was actually a red echidna. "Oh no!" said Hitler and immediately pulled out a .50 caliber chaingun that shot V-2 rockets, which he promptly shot at the SPACESHIP. The SPACESHIP crashed into the barren landscape of the fatherland, and the crew was scattered on the hillside. Smeowg got up first because cats always land on their feet so he was k. He grabbed the nuke and chucked it at Hiter, but he merely laughed since there was no way to detonate the nuke. Smeowg had a heart so big that day that he grew three sizes that day. Actually, he grew to about the size of a bus while taking the deepest breath in his life. With all his force he bellowed a stream of fire hot as…um, combusting wood, at Hitler, so that the nuke set a fire. "Oh no!" was all Hitler said before all the party could see was white, and a big fiery mushroom enveloped the sky. All of the V-2 rockets in Hitler's ammo went off and created a charade of fireworks that blew so many colors the a mantis shrimp got epilepsy. When the sky cleared all the Russians sang a Russian ballet. Tom Hanks cried and it was so convincing that Leonardo Di Caprio an Oscar. Smeowg roared in victory. Neil Patrick Harris found true love. An eagle flew across the sky pooping a rainbow and cawing freedom. Death star blowed up. The ring was tossed into Mount Doom and Mordor exploded. Voldemort died. The Jews grew wings and soared. The Bugger planet was eradicated. Halo exploded. Godzilla was taken down. The Bunny finally got the Trix. Bruce Willis found out he was dead. Jeffery Becker ate all the peanut butter. Steve Jobs came back 3 days after his death. Morgan Freeman descended from heaven and blessed the land. Yeah, they won, dipshit. YAAAA!11!

Tom Hanks took little notice that Smeowg was the size of a bus. They simply hugged, and bonded through all the hard times they had been in. The army deployed them back to America and a parade was held in their honor. Tom Hanks went back to his house and lived his life. Smeowg lived in Hank's garage since no retailer would sell him a house since he was a giant cat with eagle wings. Racist bastards. No one would give Smeowg a job either. This angered Tom Hanks because Smeowg would just sit in the garage all day and spend all their money on gold. Smeowg loved gold, not the look, but the feel of it. Hanks figured he could make a golden garage. He looked in the local newspaper and found a delivery job for Smeowg, who reluctantly agreed. Smeowg didn't like being away from his house, away from the gold. He hated flying halfway around the world just to deliver one Amazon package to some run-down house in the middle of nowhere. On his day off, Smeowg went back home and said to Tom Hanks "I hate this job". "You have to get out of the house and earn your share of the living" stated Hanks matter-of-factly. "You could have found me something more exciting" snapped Smeowg. "You certainly weren't looking for money, you just wanted the gold!" Screamed Hanks. Smeowg didn't want to admit the truth, so he just bellowed fire into the air and flew off. Hanks stared at Smeowg, and noticed he was different. He was bigger, like the size of a double decker bus, and he had more scales than fur. One thing was for certain. He didn't look like a cat anymore. He didn't know what he was. He wasn't the same.

Smeowg flew through the skys. He had never felt this angry, even when facing Hitler. He just wanted to burn things, lots of things, he didn't care who. Suddenly, he saw a great purple beam come from the sky. It struck the earth and blew a great hole into the earth, right where hank's house was. "NO!" Yelled Smeowg, and rushed back to the house. He saw the house on fire and in ruins and burning all at once. He saw the garage was non-existent. All his gold was gone. Smeowg picked up the ashes. Only one could create such a purple beam. But why.

"See," a familiar voice came from behind him. "You care more about the gold than me."

Smeowg turned to see Tom Hanks with his fingers against his skull as if speaking telepathically.

"You told him to do this? Why?" asked Smeowg, trying his best to stay calm.

"I wanted you to see what you've become!" yelled Hanks. "You're not the caring cat I met. You're just act like a...a...dragon!"

Shot fired!

"Smeowg bellowed fire at Hanks, who exploded. He then took to the sky in rage. "Hey" a voice called in his head. "Hanks promised me a condo for doing that, now

he's dead!" Smeowg recognized the voice of the whale. "Curse you for doing that, I'll kill you!" Smeowg thought so hard the whale could feel his anger. The whale gathered the rays of the sun and fired a beam at Smeowg, whose scales now covered his whole body. Smeowg dodged the laser and sucked the air around it, breathing in the beam into his lungs. They mixed with the dragonfire and he shot back at the whale in a mixture of purple sun beams and flame. The whale was disintegrated and the beam continued its way to make the Horsehead Nebula. Smeowg landed and started crying, knowing he had killed his two best friends only because they angered him. After saving them both and killing them, the feels were too much to handle. Smeowg had landed next to a lake, and peering into the water. He did see himself, a massive lizardlike head looked back, with a quizzical look, and a mustache, and a monocle. Smeowg pondered, maybe he could just look into the newspaper and find someway pay his bills, providing him something to do and taking the grief off his shoulders. He flew to the nearest town a grabbed a paper, which he found difficult to read since it was much smaller than him. Everyone fleeted at his presence, which he didn't mind since he was sad and wanted to be alone. He found a couple jobs that struck his fancy: flight instructor, army private, sale representative, fireman, but he caught an ad for the dwarves kingdom. He checked, and read that the mountains of Erebor were filled with gold, and the Dwarven kingdoms were richer than ever. In big letters, it read "Line of Durin found Arkenstone, pay homage to the dwarf king bitches lol." Smeowg pondered. The dwarves were of German origin, so it would be okay to raid them since they had just lost a war. He'd get his gold and a job, thus fulfilling his debts and his own interests, and he could live again as a pure being. Thus he traveled to Erebor and attacked the king under the meowntain (lol). And that's where the Hobbit begins.

This is the completely true story of Smeowg origins. Srsly, I was there.


End file.
